It's a bit surreal for me to realize that it's been an entire year since my last post. Perhaps the ordeal I last wrote about was more difficult on me than I had ever realized. I believe it's taken this long for me to heal. And am I really there yet? No. Enmeshment has got to be the most difficult and evil concept to rid yourself from.
The process of becoming an individual within enmeshment... What an underrated concept! The glue that goes into molding you as an enmeshed person within the family unit begins at birth. It's not something that's quickly unsealed. It's a long, ardulous process. I'm writing about a "journey," not an accomplishment.
I love my Dad. I look back and see such joy in knowing him and having admired him all my life I could never imagine he could actually have bought in to this enmeshment thinking. He did, though. I don't see it in his extended birth family, so I suspect that it is something he had to learn and take on when he met my mother. This last year has been hard in recognizing and accepting his enmeshed qualities. With Mom gone, I came face to face with Dad's thoughts, out of the direct influence of my mother. It's been so hard to accept. The strength of his enmeshment is so big, stronger than I'd ever imagined, and has been difficult to accept. I feel myself growing farther and farther from him. Nothing I say is confidential. He shares conversations we have with my siblings, who are all too eager to find anything in my life to berate.
Two of my siblings had "defriended me" from their facebook pages by the time I'd returned home after Mom's death. I haven't heard from them since the experience I wrote about in the last post. They are the favored children. They are the needy ones, lacking identity of their own they get it through each other, including my dad. I'm an independent. I am an outsider, and they find fault with my very existence. My dad has been hospitalized numerous times throughout the year and I learn about it after my dad finally returns a phone call to me to tell me he's been sick and in the hospital. I wonder if I will one day learn of his death through a post on someone's facebook page? I've told Dad of my fears, and have asked for help, but he doesn't do anything. I must accept that when decisions are made about his care, etc., that I will never be included. I will not be informed about his health concerns, except by him.
All of these issues are quite painful. I am still in therapy, sorting things out to the best of my ability. Usually I am not focused on my enmeshed family, but there are occasions when situations arise and I am forced to mentally cope with the cruel and distorted ways in which they seek to live and infict pain.
Just a few weeks ago my dad called to tell me that he'd had lunch with my former husband, his current wife whom my children kindly refer to as "Evilyn," my former mother-in-law, and my sister. Apparently my mother-in-law was visiting from another state and Evilyn called my sister to arrange a lunch to reunite her with my dad. They all met halfway and had lunch together. I was in complete and total shock about this! For the life of me, I cannot make sense of this meeting except to say that my dad went to lunch with four people who absolutely hate me! It took me until last night to finally tell my dad that it really hurt my feelings that he chose to attend that lunch. There are many more details I'm unable to share, but trust me, over the years enough has occured to NEVER warrant such a meeting. I believe my sister agreed to it to be hurtful to me. It did work. It hurt. The fact is that my dad, due to his enmeshment with my sister, was unable to refuse to go. He cannot say "No" to her. This time it got him into trouble. But since he can't ever refuse her, I have to expect it to happen again.
What is sad is the wall that is being built between my dad and me. I'm building it out of fear for my heart and for protection against the pain. Some day a week or more will pass without a phone call and I will wonder what's happening and not know. He may be sick and unable to call. I may not know he's on his deathbed. I may find out he's died by innocently reading my facebook newsfeed.
I have chosen to remain an individual. I am being punished for that, and my siblings will indeed inflict that kind of pain on me with a sick kind of joy. That type of unity is perverse and unacceptable to me. My dad has been made aware of my fears, sees them as realistic fears, yet chooses not to do anything about the situation. There is nothing within my ability to control. I have to work at letting it go and leaving them to their choices. In turn, I will prepare myself for the inevitable pain that will come my way one day. Hopefully I can be ready, so it will not hurt so much.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and words of encouragement. I hope my journey will help you to find the strength you need to take care of yourself and do what is right for your life.
~Carol
