If you are someone looking to escape enmeshment, I applaud you, It will be very rewarding to become yourself. Individuality is fabulous! But you've undoubtedly learned that enmeshment qualities can take hold of your life and have allowed them to define you. It will take time to get over that. It will take diligence to learn to become yourself and not care about what others think of you, especially your enmeshed family members.
I'm feeling very sad and lonely today as I realize that I have not gotten as far as I would have thought. My journey began in the late 80's and I am still struggling. Don't let that frighten you, my personality is undoubtedly different than yours. I had thought I was over so much, but I'm finding myself depressed and overcome with loss, even though that loss occurred many, many years ago.
Perhaps this post will just remind you that it is a lifelong process to escape enmeshment. Perhaps it means that it is ok to give in once in a while to a bit of a pity party. Whatever it is, I hope that you understand that life is, indeed, a journey.
I may be overly sad because I realize that I am facing the end of life with my mom and dad. They will never understand anything but enmeshment. Perhaps that is what I am so sad about. My dream of having them understand me for who I am is gone. My hope for having a relationship based on individuality will never be. Finally, I believe I have stumbled upon the reason for my sadness. I know I will miss my parents when they pass on, but what I will miss most is my hope that they would be able to see me and understand me for who I am.
I've lost my hope for them, for what could have been, for what never was. It's so sad for me. That's why I am hurting right now. Thank God I am writing, I don't think I would have figured it out, otherwise.
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Sadness of a Missing Team Spirit
I'm struggling to deal with the current abuse of power within my enmeshed family. My mother is dying. My dad is weakened by kidney failure and plethera of illnesses that have plagued him over the last years. I visited them a couple of weeks ago. The night before I left my brothers, sister and I talked about what to do next concerning their worsening conditions. The meeting was somewhat vague. Many important aspects were discussed (living wills, directives, etc.) but nothing resolved. It was a starting place.
The very next day I awoke in my motel room to news that my father had fallen on his driveway while on his way to dialysis. He had laid there for an hour and a half until a garbage man and dog walker discovered him. He was sent to the hospital and admitted for two to three full days.
My sister took my mom to her house to care for her, and without even discussing this with my me, my parents, or siblings, made the decision to move them into her house. Even if her home was lavish with abundance of room for our parents, she ussurped our authority and decided what was best for our parents without discussion. She now has six people under the roof of her very small three-bedroom home. My parents are living in the family room with a curtain for privacy.
The point I am trying to make here is that she unilaterally made this decision which is a complete abuse of power.
My sister took total control over their healthcare. She moved them in and took charge, just hours after a meeting with her siblings where no such discussion of this had ever taken place.
Sadder still, she now is giving directives to others to care for their needs, take them to appointments, etc. She doesn't ask who is available or consider others' schedules, she simply tells them what to do and then wonders why no one will cooperate!
I share this example, as long and painful for me as it is to repeat, simply because "abuse of power" is one of the roots of enmeshment. So is "betrayal" which when you contemplate the complexities of this, you can see clearly. She never asked my parents if they would even like to move in and live with her, she just did it. She betrayed her siblings by not even discussing the remote possibility of our parents living in her crowded, filthy home.
She knows that I disagree with her decision. My parents would have been better to be taken care of either in their home with visiting nurses or the hospice care team, or in a low level nursing facility. My sister has Crohn's disease and is often unable to care for herself, let alone her sick parents. But she didn't ask me!! I wonder why...! Because I have disagreed with her I am no longer privvy to any updates regarding my parents condition. I have been shut out, completely. I can call and talk with my dad and mom, but that's it. She has completely walked away from me. That is also due to her daughters view of me (which is a convoluted picture of truth).
It's all so very sad. My sister is so enmeshed with my mother that she probably believes she is the only person able to care for her.
I'm getting sick writing this. It's all too hard for me. It's not the thought of losing my parents that is difficult, it's the "family" dynamics that are making me ill. It appears that there is an alignment of sorts going on. My sister and one brother (who can't do anything but work until the end of June) and me and my other brother, whom my sister and her vicious daughter abhor. We are on the "OUTS" with them mostly because we are the two who are fighting for our individuality. My brother wants to live his own life, as do I. We do not want to be manipulated by our sister.
Enmeshment is so painful. The behaviors are ruthless and the dynamics leave you feeling physically and mentally exhausted and ill.
And it's hard to think that she is viewed as the favorite of mom and dad. Maybe that's what's really pushing my buttons. It's right out there for everyone now, Colleen is the favorite and that's what she wants. She has achieved it in all of her glory. Me? I'm the one who ran away from the responsibility of taking care of mom and dad. I do not care about them and do not know them as well as she does. I am the rebel. I cause trouble. Look at the trouble I supposedly caused while down there. This is what she is saying and doing. It really must mean that I have too much pride because I am sick over how I am portrayed. I know what she is saying is wrong, I know it to be untrue, but it hurts like hell. I am trying to console myself, take care of myself... But the damage is there to me. Enmeshment really hurts. There is no way to have a winning team spirit within enmeshment, which is what we should have right now. It saddens me.
The very next day I awoke in my motel room to news that my father had fallen on his driveway while on his way to dialysis. He had laid there for an hour and a half until a garbage man and dog walker discovered him. He was sent to the hospital and admitted for two to three full days.
My sister took my mom to her house to care for her, and without even discussing this with my me, my parents, or siblings, made the decision to move them into her house. Even if her home was lavish with abundance of room for our parents, she ussurped our authority and decided what was best for our parents without discussion. She now has six people under the roof of her very small three-bedroom home. My parents are living in the family room with a curtain for privacy.
The point I am trying to make here is that she unilaterally made this decision which is a complete abuse of power.
My sister took total control over their healthcare. She moved them in and took charge, just hours after a meeting with her siblings where no such discussion of this had ever taken place.
Sadder still, she now is giving directives to others to care for their needs, take them to appointments, etc. She doesn't ask who is available or consider others' schedules, she simply tells them what to do and then wonders why no one will cooperate!
I share this example, as long and painful for me as it is to repeat, simply because "abuse of power" is one of the roots of enmeshment. So is "betrayal" which when you contemplate the complexities of this, you can see clearly. She never asked my parents if they would even like to move in and live with her, she just did it. She betrayed her siblings by not even discussing the remote possibility of our parents living in her crowded, filthy home.
She knows that I disagree with her decision. My parents would have been better to be taken care of either in their home with visiting nurses or the hospice care team, or in a low level nursing facility. My sister has Crohn's disease and is often unable to care for herself, let alone her sick parents. But she didn't ask me!! I wonder why...! Because I have disagreed with her I am no longer privvy to any updates regarding my parents condition. I have been shut out, completely. I can call and talk with my dad and mom, but that's it. She has completely walked away from me. That is also due to her daughters view of me (which is a convoluted picture of truth).
It's all so very sad. My sister is so enmeshed with my mother that she probably believes she is the only person able to care for her.
I'm getting sick writing this. It's all too hard for me. It's not the thought of losing my parents that is difficult, it's the "family" dynamics that are making me ill. It appears that there is an alignment of sorts going on. My sister and one brother (who can't do anything but work until the end of June) and me and my other brother, whom my sister and her vicious daughter abhor. We are on the "OUTS" with them mostly because we are the two who are fighting for our individuality. My brother wants to live his own life, as do I. We do not want to be manipulated by our sister.
Enmeshment is so painful. The behaviors are ruthless and the dynamics leave you feeling physically and mentally exhausted and ill.
And it's hard to think that she is viewed as the favorite of mom and dad. Maybe that's what's really pushing my buttons. It's right out there for everyone now, Colleen is the favorite and that's what she wants. She has achieved it in all of her glory. Me? I'm the one who ran away from the responsibility of taking care of mom and dad. I do not care about them and do not know them as well as she does. I am the rebel. I cause trouble. Look at the trouble I supposedly caused while down there. This is what she is saying and doing. It really must mean that I have too much pride because I am sick over how I am portrayed. I know what she is saying is wrong, I know it to be untrue, but it hurts like hell. I am trying to console myself, take care of myself... But the damage is there to me. Enmeshment really hurts. There is no way to have a winning team spirit within enmeshment, which is what we should have right now. It saddens me.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Enmeshment HURTS
As much as I don't want this to be true, at times I find myself holding on to some enmeshment aspects within my family. I think the primary way this is true is that I still care what they think about me. If I was truly healed I don't think I would care what they thought. Actually, I seem to care more about what my mother thinks. My sister and brothers... well, not so much. But Mom and Dad, yes, I care.
I wish it didn't matter to me. I know that they haven't given any care to my thoughts. I have always wanted to please them, perhaps that's why. Now, I am struggling with their thoughts of me verses my desire to stay away and not have involvement with anyone in the desert brigade. I love my parents. I do not love what they have done to me.
I feel abandoned. They are with the children they have chosen to be with, the children whom have chosen to be with them. I am the lone holdout. I will remain independent of them. Their lives are coming to a close due to health issues and I am not even tempted to run to them, yet I feel such sadness. Perhaps it is because once they are gone, it's permanent. I won't ever be able to consider it an option. Once they are gone, I go on alone with no hope for ever having a healthy relationship with either of them. It makes me sad. I just cannot accept their conditions on my life, so I know how it will end.
The two primarily enmeshed children nearest them will continue to make decisions for our parents until their lives run out. During that time they will enjoy the only thing they know, lives full of manipulation, secrets, favoritism, denial, and betrayal. These are aspects they have grown to accept and appreciate as part of being a family. I doubt they have ever considered how prevalent these issues are in their lives. These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family.
Manipulation: My sister literally swooped in one day and moved my parents to her house. She grabbed the opportunity and did it without even asking them if it would be alright. She manipulated the situation into what she wanted but was too afraid to speak about the night before at a "family" meeting without the parents. Amazing that anyone could be so selfish, caught up in what she wanted, and grasp at their weakest moments what she desired.
Secrets: There are too many secrets to count! Everyone is in a constant state of talking behind anothers back and promising to keep the secrets from the others. It's unbelievable how many conversations are clandestined, between siblings, between a sibling and a parent, between parent and sibling. The secrets will never end, always be hurtful, and usually unfounded gossip that when left unchecked and the issue "gets out," wreaks havoc on the person to whom it was concerned. No one within the family unit will ever accept responsibility for it, either. It has become an accepted form of communication.
Favoritism: There will always be a favorite child. It will be the child most enmeshed with the leader, Mom. My brother and sister fight for this top position almost constantly. Perhaps this is why my sister moved my parents in with her, to assume the Top Dog position. She had best be careful, my brother will constantly be lurking for an opportunity to snake his way in and become the favorite. He will use any opportunity to turn my mother on my sister. He most likely will use her own family against her to target and show Mom that the sister doesn't have it together. I am waiting and watching with certainty that this will be his direction.
Denial: A problem in the family? NEVER! It's all about how the family looks to everyone! The appearance of being the perfect family is critical. The appearance of cooperation, working together, working for Mom's best interests, are ridiculously expressed to anyone who will listen. A caring church group, caring friends of Mom's, will all see such loving kindness from the favorites toward Mother.
Betrayal: The favorites will turn on the lessers in order to betray their good natured attempts at trying to help. It is very sad, as Mom needs all the help she can get, but this is very true even though it sounds impossible. I was betrayed on our recent trip there to help Mom. I got a little too close to the favorites and both betrayed me in different ways and different circumstances. The purpose of the betrayals was to remain in good standing with their Mother. For me, it was incredibly painful.
These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family.
If you are realizing that you are a part of enmeshment, learn as much as you can about it from a therapist. You will need strength to leave and strength during the dark hours when you know you are being ridiculed and rejected. It is worth it, though. You don't want to pass on these dynamics to future generations.
I wish it didn't matter to me. I know that they haven't given any care to my thoughts. I have always wanted to please them, perhaps that's why. Now, I am struggling with their thoughts of me verses my desire to stay away and not have involvement with anyone in the desert brigade. I love my parents. I do not love what they have done to me.
I feel abandoned. They are with the children they have chosen to be with, the children whom have chosen to be with them. I am the lone holdout. I will remain independent of them. Their lives are coming to a close due to health issues and I am not even tempted to run to them, yet I feel such sadness. Perhaps it is because once they are gone, it's permanent. I won't ever be able to consider it an option. Once they are gone, I go on alone with no hope for ever having a healthy relationship with either of them. It makes me sad. I just cannot accept their conditions on my life, so I know how it will end.
The two primarily enmeshed children nearest them will continue to make decisions for our parents until their lives run out. During that time they will enjoy the only thing they know, lives full of manipulation, secrets, favoritism, denial, and betrayal. These are aspects they have grown to accept and appreciate as part of being a family. I doubt they have ever considered how prevalent these issues are in their lives. These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family.
Manipulation: My sister literally swooped in one day and moved my parents to her house. She grabbed the opportunity and did it without even asking them if it would be alright. She manipulated the situation into what she wanted but was too afraid to speak about the night before at a "family" meeting without the parents. Amazing that anyone could be so selfish, caught up in what she wanted, and grasp at their weakest moments what she desired.
Secrets: There are too many secrets to count! Everyone is in a constant state of talking behind anothers back and promising to keep the secrets from the others. It's unbelievable how many conversations are clandestined, between siblings, between a sibling and a parent, between parent and sibling. The secrets will never end, always be hurtful, and usually unfounded gossip that when left unchecked and the issue "gets out," wreaks havoc on the person to whom it was concerned. No one within the family unit will ever accept responsibility for it, either. It has become an accepted form of communication.
Favoritism: There will always be a favorite child. It will be the child most enmeshed with the leader, Mom. My brother and sister fight for this top position almost constantly. Perhaps this is why my sister moved my parents in with her, to assume the Top Dog position. She had best be careful, my brother will constantly be lurking for an opportunity to snake his way in and become the favorite. He will use any opportunity to turn my mother on my sister. He most likely will use her own family against her to target and show Mom that the sister doesn't have it together. I am waiting and watching with certainty that this will be his direction.
Denial: A problem in the family? NEVER! It's all about how the family looks to everyone! The appearance of being the perfect family is critical. The appearance of cooperation, working together, working for Mom's best interests, are ridiculously expressed to anyone who will listen. A caring church group, caring friends of Mom's, will all see such loving kindness from the favorites toward Mother.
Betrayal: The favorites will turn on the lessers in order to betray their good natured attempts at trying to help. It is very sad, as Mom needs all the help she can get, but this is very true even though it sounds impossible. I was betrayed on our recent trip there to help Mom. I got a little too close to the favorites and both betrayed me in different ways and different circumstances. The purpose of the betrayals was to remain in good standing with their Mother. For me, it was incredibly painful.
These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family.
If you are realizing that you are a part of enmeshment, learn as much as you can about it from a therapist. You will need strength to leave and strength during the dark hours when you know you are being ridiculed and rejected. It is worth it, though. You don't want to pass on these dynamics to future generations.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Zingers with Stingers
Nothing pushes my buttons more than Indirect Communication. It is difficult to describe this type of communication because it may be seen as ridiculous to someone whom is not enmeshed. To the enmeshed, we know what it is when we experience it, and it occurs in a variety of different ways. Let me use the following example as an illustration. My youngest brothers Facebook status now reads: "Spending a nice morning/afternoon with my mom... Nothing could be better!"
Nice status, right!? To anyone out of the family circle it is beautiful. On the outside it appears to be so nice, completely harmless, and so embracing as a son loves his dying mother... NOT!! I know better! This guy that wrote that status is bitter and angry right now. He wrote that post not because he's so nice, but because he wants to make himself superior to me and my other sibling who is not there. He wants kudos from everyone he knows, lashes out at everyone under the surface (ie About having to transport our mother), and exposes himself to the world as the do-gooder.
I will resist the temptation to become angry. I will resist the temptation to become angry. I will, I will, I will!! It's so hard.
Facebook for the enmeshed family can be very cruel. One liners, or zingers with stingers, are right out there to bite you, and they hurt.
Remember, I am not free of the pain of enmeshment, only trying to be free from it. It gets easier with time, but not always. In this world of instant communication I find myself dealing with it more often. Texts, email, phone calls... they all come in an instant and zap you right where you are. Sometimes limiting these sources will help. It's easier for me to have phone calls in the comfort of home where I am rested and can focus on not becoming entwined in the messes. It's easier to choose my battles. I'm glad I don't get zinged like this too often, kind of hurts in the middle of the day when I'm trying to be productive. I'll have to think about how to stop that from happening again.
Be careful of that guy if he's your friend on Facebook.
Nice status, right!? To anyone out of the family circle it is beautiful. On the outside it appears to be so nice, completely harmless, and so embracing as a son loves his dying mother... NOT!! I know better! This guy that wrote that status is bitter and angry right now. He wrote that post not because he's so nice, but because he wants to make himself superior to me and my other sibling who is not there. He wants kudos from everyone he knows, lashes out at everyone under the surface (ie About having to transport our mother), and exposes himself to the world as the do-gooder.
I will resist the temptation to become angry. I will resist the temptation to become angry. I will, I will, I will!! It's so hard.
Facebook for the enmeshed family can be very cruel. One liners, or zingers with stingers, are right out there to bite you, and they hurt.
Remember, I am not free of the pain of enmeshment, only trying to be free from it. It gets easier with time, but not always. In this world of instant communication I find myself dealing with it more often. Texts, email, phone calls... they all come in an instant and zap you right where you are. Sometimes limiting these sources will help. It's easier for me to have phone calls in the comfort of home where I am rested and can focus on not becoming entwined in the messes. It's easier to choose my battles. I'm glad I don't get zinged like this too often, kind of hurts in the middle of the day when I'm trying to be productive. I'll have to think about how to stop that from happening again.
Be careful of that guy if he's your friend on Facebook.
Breaking Away is Not for the Faint of Heart
Over the years I have had to "escape" from my enmeshed family several times. By "escape" I mean that I had to take a big time out from them. Sometimes it was a period of weeks, sometimes months or years. I needed to do this for many reasons. One of them was to find healing.
For me, I found that trying to heal within the dynamics of enmeshment was impossible. I tried, but was always sucked back in. Many times the outcome of being sucked back in was worse than before I tried to heal. So eventually I was able to muster enough strength to walk away. It was very, very difficult to do this. Sometimes I can't even believe I was actually able to accomplish it. The first time I left was for the longest period of time. I needed to break away, I needed to heal in a desperate sort of way.
TIME is a four letter word. I hate that word. At the same time I embrace it. It brings new hope and allows for healing in a way that no other word can.
The first breaking away from my family was back in the late 80's, early 90's. It was for about a year or two, don't even remember now. What it did for me was allow me to realize that my family was enmeshed and there was nothing I could do to help them see it. I was always their scapegoat, so it was nice for me to leave their unit and wait for them to find a different person to become their scapegoat. I am not sure whatever happened there. I do not think it was enough time or distance away for them to really establish a different scapegoat. It did give me time to see what was going on so I could slowly get acquainted with them without getting involved in their games.
During that time I also found a good counselor who was able to help me see things more clearly. I remember how surprised she was that I was able to actually discover I was enmeshed and desire to break free. Apparently that does not happen very often, and I am grateful that God gave me the strength I needed to do what I needed to do. I liken this time to leaving a cult.
To this day I am on a constant "alert status" as to my involvement with my family. I can get sucked in so easily. Sometimes I am strong, sometimes I fail and have to find my way out again. But now it doesn't take years. It is also much easier to see the enmeshment styles of each person, their techniques and styles in trying to suck me back in are amazing. Again, it has taken time for me to get to this point.
Over the last two weeks I had taken a time out from them. I had gone to visit and was absolutely sickened by their behavior that by the time I got home I needed to take a total break from all of them. Their behavior is absolutely atrocious. Yesterday I felt like it was time to call my folks to say hello. The conversation went well, and later in the evening my sister called. Again, the conversation was good. The point is that I called when I was ready. I initiated contact when I was strong enough to deal with them. It sounds selfish, but it is survival.
All is not well between my immediate family here in colorful Colorado and the enmeshed family in the Arizona desert. I realize it never will be well. It does hurt. It does break my heart at times. And although I have tried for twenty some odd years, I still find myself, at times, caring about what they think of me. It's a struggle. I recognize it will be a life struggle for me. The best thing I can do right now is talk with my children about becoming the individuals that they are. I want them to know that it is my goal as Mom to see them grow up to become healthy individuals within the family unit. I want to break the cycle of abuse. Enmeshment is the result of an abuse of power, it is okay for me to define it as so.
Blessings to you.
For me, I found that trying to heal within the dynamics of enmeshment was impossible. I tried, but was always sucked back in. Many times the outcome of being sucked back in was worse than before I tried to heal. So eventually I was able to muster enough strength to walk away. It was very, very difficult to do this. Sometimes I can't even believe I was actually able to accomplish it. The first time I left was for the longest period of time. I needed to break away, I needed to heal in a desperate sort of way.
TIME is a four letter word. I hate that word. At the same time I embrace it. It brings new hope and allows for healing in a way that no other word can.
The first breaking away from my family was back in the late 80's, early 90's. It was for about a year or two, don't even remember now. What it did for me was allow me to realize that my family was enmeshed and there was nothing I could do to help them see it. I was always their scapegoat, so it was nice for me to leave their unit and wait for them to find a different person to become their scapegoat. I am not sure whatever happened there. I do not think it was enough time or distance away for them to really establish a different scapegoat. It did give me time to see what was going on so I could slowly get acquainted with them without getting involved in their games.
During that time I also found a good counselor who was able to help me see things more clearly. I remember how surprised she was that I was able to actually discover I was enmeshed and desire to break free. Apparently that does not happen very often, and I am grateful that God gave me the strength I needed to do what I needed to do. I liken this time to leaving a cult.
To this day I am on a constant "alert status" as to my involvement with my family. I can get sucked in so easily. Sometimes I am strong, sometimes I fail and have to find my way out again. But now it doesn't take years. It is also much easier to see the enmeshment styles of each person, their techniques and styles in trying to suck me back in are amazing. Again, it has taken time for me to get to this point.
Over the last two weeks I had taken a time out from them. I had gone to visit and was absolutely sickened by their behavior that by the time I got home I needed to take a total break from all of them. Their behavior is absolutely atrocious. Yesterday I felt like it was time to call my folks to say hello. The conversation went well, and later in the evening my sister called. Again, the conversation was good. The point is that I called when I was ready. I initiated contact when I was strong enough to deal with them. It sounds selfish, but it is survival.
All is not well between my immediate family here in colorful Colorado and the enmeshed family in the Arizona desert. I realize it never will be well. It does hurt. It does break my heart at times. And although I have tried for twenty some odd years, I still find myself, at times, caring about what they think of me. It's a struggle. I recognize it will be a life struggle for me. The best thing I can do right now is talk with my children about becoming the individuals that they are. I want them to know that it is my goal as Mom to see them grow up to become healthy individuals within the family unit. I want to break the cycle of abuse. Enmeshment is the result of an abuse of power, it is okay for me to define it as so.
Blessings to you.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I Am Uniquely Me
This is one of those nights where sleep is eluding me. I have tried to drift off to sleep but the deep snore of the one I love and lurking problems in my enmeshed family have me thinking too much. I wish life was easier with my parents and siblings. It would be so nice that I even dream about it. In a perfect world we would each be individuals living lives the way we desired. Choices we made would be respected. We would be working in fields we enjoy, not concerned about making more money than someone else, We would enjoy our homes and appreciate them instead of trying to have the biggest and best. We would plan vacations that were our own to enjoy and not try to one up the another. Most of all we would enjoy being who we are!
God created each of us as individual people. We are all uniquely different and that is one of the most fabulous gifts He ever gave us! We are not all meant to be doctors or lawyers, politicians or police officers, homemakers or grocery clerks!! We are all about differences, and enjoying them! Let's embrace our individuality and excel in the lives that God's given us! We do not need to be like anyone else. We do not need to compete for some false sense of glory. We do not want to solicit our membership to the "clubhouse in the sky!"
I am ME! I want to enjoy who I am and the gifts and talents that our good Lord has given to me. They are uniquely mine. Who I am is a combination of many aspects that no one else has. My experiences, genetics, health, and many other areas have helped to contribute to my individuality and I am grateful for each of those aspects.
So many people would be so much happier if they would just STOP and listen to me here! Don't compete! And remember, if there is someone in your life competing with you... It takes TWO to have a competition. Just drop out! Don't play the game! You don't have to tell them, just stop on your end.
Really, there is nothing to be gained by trying to one up another person. There is no joy to be found in that situation. It's completely empty.
What is really useful, however, is becoming YOU! Take delight in what makes you happy! Enjoy your work, or find a job that will become a blessing to you. Enjoy your spouse, your children, friends you hold dear. Think about the things in life that bring you incredible joy, and do them. Walks, physical exercise, creative endeavours such as painting or scrapbooking, homemaking, cooking, decorating, whatever it is, do it with great delight.
Embrace yourself. Your inner you is crying out to you. Reach in and hold it tight. Take care of yourself. Comfort yourself. Be happy! Find contentment in who you really are. Let God help you.
No one can else can tell you who to be, how to live, what to wear, how to behave. Don't allow anyone to invalidate your being. Accept respect, walk away from those who can't understand that choice.
Your brother or sister, mother or father, NONE of them can define you. None of them can tell you who to be or how to act. They can't tell you what you like or what you want. You are an individual, not a group. You cannot worry about how they will respond to your individuality. You cannot control them. No matter what you do, you can NEVER control their thoughts or ideas about you, or anything. Don't try. Get out of the game. Walk away. These kinds of relationships are doomed to failure. You can shine on your own. You do not need them. Be a better person because you want that for yourself, not for them.
God will help you along the way. He created you to be an individual. It will not always be an easy road and you will need to depend on Him for help. I am reminded of this tonight as I lay in bed with a whirlwind of thoughts overcoming my heart and mind. It is not easy to escape enmeshment. It's deeply rooted within us. We were born enmeshed. Don't be hard on yourself. But do take steps to move forward. Think about something you'd really like to work on, such as a creative project. What would it look like? How would you create it? I think of a quilt, or an afghan, or a scrapbooking page. It's blank, I can fill it in the way I want. I can choose the richness of the colors and the pattern. I can decide how big it will be and its size and shape. I am in control of what I build for myself. It's a wonderful feeling! It doesn't need to be approved by anyone. If someone likes it, well that's just great! But if someone doesn't like it, that's too bad. Perhaps they never realized that the colors you used were perfect for you and made you smile. Too bad for them, they are missing out not to see your heart in your creation. Your creation is your life. Your creation is YOU. Make it beautiful. Uniquely you. Celebrate yourself. God will honor you as you seek Him to reveal just what wonderful aspects of life He has blessed you with! Lean on Him.
God created each of us as individual people. We are all uniquely different and that is one of the most fabulous gifts He ever gave us! We are not all meant to be doctors or lawyers, politicians or police officers, homemakers or grocery clerks!! We are all about differences, and enjoying them! Let's embrace our individuality and excel in the lives that God's given us! We do not need to be like anyone else. We do not need to compete for some false sense of glory. We do not want to solicit our membership to the "clubhouse in the sky!"
I am ME! I want to enjoy who I am and the gifts and talents that our good Lord has given to me. They are uniquely mine. Who I am is a combination of many aspects that no one else has. My experiences, genetics, health, and many other areas have helped to contribute to my individuality and I am grateful for each of those aspects.
So many people would be so much happier if they would just STOP and listen to me here! Don't compete! And remember, if there is someone in your life competing with you... It takes TWO to have a competition. Just drop out! Don't play the game! You don't have to tell them, just stop on your end.
Really, there is nothing to be gained by trying to one up another person. There is no joy to be found in that situation. It's completely empty.
What is really useful, however, is becoming YOU! Take delight in what makes you happy! Enjoy your work, or find a job that will become a blessing to you. Enjoy your spouse, your children, friends you hold dear. Think about the things in life that bring you incredible joy, and do them. Walks, physical exercise, creative endeavours such as painting or scrapbooking, homemaking, cooking, decorating, whatever it is, do it with great delight.
Embrace yourself. Your inner you is crying out to you. Reach in and hold it tight. Take care of yourself. Comfort yourself. Be happy! Find contentment in who you really are. Let God help you.
No one can else can tell you who to be, how to live, what to wear, how to behave. Don't allow anyone to invalidate your being. Accept respect, walk away from those who can't understand that choice.
Your brother or sister, mother or father, NONE of them can define you. None of them can tell you who to be or how to act. They can't tell you what you like or what you want. You are an individual, not a group. You cannot worry about how they will respond to your individuality. You cannot control them. No matter what you do, you can NEVER control their thoughts or ideas about you, or anything. Don't try. Get out of the game. Walk away. These kinds of relationships are doomed to failure. You can shine on your own. You do not need them. Be a better person because you want that for yourself, not for them.
God will help you along the way. He created you to be an individual. It will not always be an easy road and you will need to depend on Him for help. I am reminded of this tonight as I lay in bed with a whirlwind of thoughts overcoming my heart and mind. It is not easy to escape enmeshment. It's deeply rooted within us. We were born enmeshed. Don't be hard on yourself. But do take steps to move forward. Think about something you'd really like to work on, such as a creative project. What would it look like? How would you create it? I think of a quilt, or an afghan, or a scrapbooking page. It's blank, I can fill it in the way I want. I can choose the richness of the colors and the pattern. I can decide how big it will be and its size and shape. I am in control of what I build for myself. It's a wonderful feeling! It doesn't need to be approved by anyone. If someone likes it, well that's just great! But if someone doesn't like it, that's too bad. Perhaps they never realized that the colors you used were perfect for you and made you smile. Too bad for them, they are missing out not to see your heart in your creation. Your creation is your life. Your creation is YOU. Make it beautiful. Uniquely you. Celebrate yourself. God will honor you as you seek Him to reveal just what wonderful aspects of life He has blessed you with! Lean on Him.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
No, I Do Not Want to Join their Club!
Enmeshment causes much pain. It unfairly alienates members of the family. It allows for judgement at the highest of levels. Those "on top" within the enmeshed family are able to unite together as a club. They discuss members of the "family" and judge them. They may talk about "helping them" and it may appear to be true love, but it is not. They "get off" on belittling the "lower level" members of the family by their talk.
At one time or another most members of the enmeshed family have been "in the limelight" with the head of the family. That is how we all know what goes on at the top of the chain. When we've been ridiculed enough and lowered to a lesser position we KNOW what is happening in the clubhouse at the top. It hurts.
This is just one example of pain within the enmeshed family. There are many others, but this one is an excruciating example. It hurts like no other. As a lesser you can look to the top of the chain and see some sort of wonderment going on that causes you to try to gain that spot of glory once again. It makes you want to succumb to them and rise the ladder to ultimate success.
It is very painful to know that it is happening and there is nothing you can do about it if you want to stay away and continue escaping the enmeshment. This is a kind of pain that hits hard and destroys your soul, if you let it. I am encountering this kind of pain today, and I am going to move forward despite it. I do not want it to hurt my day. I do not want it to hurt ME. I am valuable as an individual. I can make my own choices and do what I please. There is much more reward in those very things than being on a spinning wheel of unsuccess, which is what would happen if I did the opposite. I choose to move ahead, individually.
Blessings to you.
At one time or another most members of the enmeshed family have been "in the limelight" with the head of the family. That is how we all know what goes on at the top of the chain. When we've been ridiculed enough and lowered to a lesser position we KNOW what is happening in the clubhouse at the top. It hurts.
This is just one example of pain within the enmeshed family. There are many others, but this one is an excruciating example. It hurts like no other. As a lesser you can look to the top of the chain and see some sort of wonderment going on that causes you to try to gain that spot of glory once again. It makes you want to succumb to them and rise the ladder to ultimate success.
It is very painful to know that it is happening and there is nothing you can do about it if you want to stay away and continue escaping the enmeshment. This is a kind of pain that hits hard and destroys your soul, if you let it. I am encountering this kind of pain today, and I am going to move forward despite it. I do not want it to hurt my day. I do not want it to hurt ME. I am valuable as an individual. I can make my own choices and do what I please. There is much more reward in those very things than being on a spinning wheel of unsuccess, which is what would happen if I did the opposite. I choose to move ahead, individually.
Blessings to you.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Favoritism, One of Enmeshments Favorite Qualities
I hate the thought of favoritism. It is lethal to families and relationships. It is often a factor in an enmeshed family.
My mother most definately has favorite children. It was obvious at a younger age, I knew full well that my mom's favorite children were my sister and at various times one of my brothers (twins, her favorite one switched every once in a while). These children, especially my sister, had no difficulty allowing her to favor them. As a matter of fact, they thrived on her favoritism. They swallowed it up and loved it, but when younger, I'm not sure they were always aware that they were the favorite children.
As adults, it is very clear who are the favorites. My sister and my youngest brother are on her pedestal.
I admit, I always wanted to be there. Always. I thought I'd "have it all" if I could finally rise to the top and be her favored child. I'd dream of it. I'd think of it, wishing that I could have that position even for a few brief moments. Now that I consider this, it is no wonder that it hurt so much. I was the oldest child, it didn't make sense that I would not be favored.
Thanks to God that I never was that favorite child. It probably helped to save me from enmeshment. It probably was a factor in my desire to escape and rise to life "stardom" on my own volition, not on my mother's shirttales.
My sister, one of mom's favorites, is severely enmeshed with my mother. At this point in time my sister is sickly in love with my mother and is dependent on her for everything. She literally does not know where she starts and my mom leaves off. Her life is centered around the care of mother. She is in constant need for approval and appreciation of all she contributes to mothers world. There is coming a day in the not too distant future where my mother will pass away from the cancer she has. My sister will be incomplete and mourn not only for the loss of Mom but for the loss of herself. I wish my sister wasn't like this, but she has chosen this path and there is nothing I can do. My sister likes her life this way. She seeks security from the enmeshment.
My brother, also one of mom's favorites, is also severely enmeshed with my mother. He caters to her and swoons for her, runs at her beckon call to help. He does not want to be displaced from his "top dog" position. He is admittedly proud of the fact that he can get her to do whatever he wants her to do. He can sweet talk her into anything. I cannot recall an instance when he was in trouble with her. Even his wife takes second seat to my mother. I can't imagine how they have managed to stay married through these years. It's not a good marriage, it's full of turmoil, and yelling and screaming. But it's lasted about twenty years now. My mother has and will turn on his wife in an instant when the need arises. More on that, later.
What a horrible way to grow up, always knowing that my mother had favorites and I was not one of them. It hurt. It hurt deeply. All I could do was persevere. But what I did was kept trying to rise to the top. I know I never stopped trying to become her favorite. And it still hurts, but not as much. I have awareness of the problem and long ago gave up the quest.
Something about favoritism with my mother bothers me. I remember her telling me several times in my younger years that her mother, my grandmother, always favored her sister. Interesting... this rotten problem of enmeshment reaches down through the generations and creates problems in the lives of so many. It's like a disease that is carried in the family genes.
You would think that someone who was hurt by something so awful as favoritism would never repeat that behavior on her own children, but she has. She knows of no other way. It is learned behavior, and survival includes "forgetting" the details. People who are enmeshed do not know that they are, or they live in a state of denial.
Blessings to you.
My mother most definately has favorite children. It was obvious at a younger age, I knew full well that my mom's favorite children were my sister and at various times one of my brothers (twins, her favorite one switched every once in a while). These children, especially my sister, had no difficulty allowing her to favor them. As a matter of fact, they thrived on her favoritism. They swallowed it up and loved it, but when younger, I'm not sure they were always aware that they were the favorite children.
As adults, it is very clear who are the favorites. My sister and my youngest brother are on her pedestal.
I admit, I always wanted to be there. Always. I thought I'd "have it all" if I could finally rise to the top and be her favored child. I'd dream of it. I'd think of it, wishing that I could have that position even for a few brief moments. Now that I consider this, it is no wonder that it hurt so much. I was the oldest child, it didn't make sense that I would not be favored.
Thanks to God that I never was that favorite child. It probably helped to save me from enmeshment. It probably was a factor in my desire to escape and rise to life "stardom" on my own volition, not on my mother's shirttales.
My sister, one of mom's favorites, is severely enmeshed with my mother. At this point in time my sister is sickly in love with my mother and is dependent on her for everything. She literally does not know where she starts and my mom leaves off. Her life is centered around the care of mother. She is in constant need for approval and appreciation of all she contributes to mothers world. There is coming a day in the not too distant future where my mother will pass away from the cancer she has. My sister will be incomplete and mourn not only for the loss of Mom but for the loss of herself. I wish my sister wasn't like this, but she has chosen this path and there is nothing I can do. My sister likes her life this way. She seeks security from the enmeshment.
My brother, also one of mom's favorites, is also severely enmeshed with my mother. He caters to her and swoons for her, runs at her beckon call to help. He does not want to be displaced from his "top dog" position. He is admittedly proud of the fact that he can get her to do whatever he wants her to do. He can sweet talk her into anything. I cannot recall an instance when he was in trouble with her. Even his wife takes second seat to my mother. I can't imagine how they have managed to stay married through these years. It's not a good marriage, it's full of turmoil, and yelling and screaming. But it's lasted about twenty years now. My mother has and will turn on his wife in an instant when the need arises. More on that, later.
What a horrible way to grow up, always knowing that my mother had favorites and I was not one of them. It hurt. It hurt deeply. All I could do was persevere. But what I did was kept trying to rise to the top. I know I never stopped trying to become her favorite. And it still hurts, but not as much. I have awareness of the problem and long ago gave up the quest.
Something about favoritism with my mother bothers me. I remember her telling me several times in my younger years that her mother, my grandmother, always favored her sister. Interesting... this rotten problem of enmeshment reaches down through the generations and creates problems in the lives of so many. It's like a disease that is carried in the family genes.
You would think that someone who was hurt by something so awful as favoritism would never repeat that behavior on her own children, but she has. She knows of no other way. It is learned behavior, and survival includes "forgetting" the details. People who are enmeshed do not know that they are, or they live in a state of denial.
Blessings to you.
My Family is NOT my Drug, By Choice
I get so upset when I somehow get sucked in to my enmeshed family. That happened to me over the last few weeks after my mom, our fearless leader of enmeshment, was diagnosed with cancer. Since that diagnosis it has sent her four children flying in a variety of directions. Me included.
Since 1995 I have lived several states away from the rest of the pack. I chose the beauty of Colorado to live and raise my children rather than follow them into the desert. Here I have remained, steadfast in my desire not to be a part of their enmeshed lives.
For many years prior, and probably through my lifetime, I was the scapegoat. If ever there was a problem, it was my fault. It especially became pronounced when my mother began having debilitating headaches (migraines) when I was around the age of 12. I was the constant source of blame for those headaches. I upset her, I was too much for her, I was unwilling to grant her authority over my life. Many years later we would learn that her migraines were the result of a severe allergy to MSG, and all of the many derivatives of it, not ME. If only "they" would REMEMBER how they blamed me and shamed me for what I had caused my mother to endure. I was the scapegoat, and that pattern would continue for decades.
My sister and brothers were also blamed and shamed for various reasons. I was not alone, but I was labeled the rebel and as such endured more. I was never even a "bad" kid! I just bucked my mother's system of enmeshment. For some reason, even as a young child, I wanted to be an individual. That desire rocked my mothers world and I became a rebel in her eyes. It's good for me to recognize this because in the eyes of schools, teachers, friends, etc., I was anything but a rebel. I was a good kid, worked hard and experienced life without difficulties (other than my mother).
Now, here we are... Me, my sister and two brothers, faced with our mothers' health situation and a cancer diagnosis. Now we begin another round of coping together in a new way with elderly parents who still clamour for a life consumed of enmeshment and all its difficulties.
It is now where I am forced to see and deal with the pattern of enmeshment unfolding in my siblings lives. Unfortunately, I find myself being pulled back into it as I desire their approval and wish for their acceptance. But it hurts because their acceptance of me will only be on their terms, based on their view of "family."
I thought I'd broken free of this! I have made my way in life, alone, without "them." It is much healthier and I thank God for that choice. Why do I find myself being sucked back in? I hate it! I want out! I will stand firm.
It must be that enmeshment is a way of life, and as I entered their lives again on a more personal level I felt like I was being sucked back in to their way of thinking. Subtle things produced memories for me, I felt drawn in... Having strength to back away and say "NO" is what it must be like for an alcoholic to say "no" to a drink when weakened and desiring for a numbness that only the drug can bring. My "family" cannot be my drug of choice.
It really hurts me to see my siblings living this life of enmeshment. They are unbelievably enmeshed with their children, and the pain this brings me is immeasureable. Not only that, but the pain that comes from their non acceptance of me really wreaks havoc on my heart. I want their acceptance! Isn't that outrageously stupid!? I want their acceptance and love despite the enmeshment, and I cannot have both. I must work to keep things in perspective and not desire something that impossible to attain.
Enmeshment destroys families. It is destructive and painful to endure. It is a selfish choice, relies on low self esteem and control. It is sick and abusive. It prevents children from becoming individuals. It puts a hold on children, forcing them to conform to a way of life that is neither healthy nor productive. Escaping enmeshment is horrific for those who desire to attain individuality. It becomes increasingly more difficult once patterns are established to even see the enmeshment. It's as if you have put an entire extended multi-generational family into a fishing net and pulled it out of the water. No one knows where they begin or end. They are all floundering around pushing into each other. No one can ever have boundaries, there is a free-for-all in giving and taking what is needed. Pushing, hitting, kicking, biting, clawing your way to move forward in life and you can't get anywhere because you are consumed by the net full of people whose only desires are the same, to push, hit, kick, bite, and claw their way to the top. It is sick, and NOT for this girl. I will remain strong and steadfast, and I will NOT return to this net full of war-raging people.
Blessings to you.
Since 1995 I have lived several states away from the rest of the pack. I chose the beauty of Colorado to live and raise my children rather than follow them into the desert. Here I have remained, steadfast in my desire not to be a part of their enmeshed lives.
For many years prior, and probably through my lifetime, I was the scapegoat. If ever there was a problem, it was my fault. It especially became pronounced when my mother began having debilitating headaches (migraines) when I was around the age of 12. I was the constant source of blame for those headaches. I upset her, I was too much for her, I was unwilling to grant her authority over my life. Many years later we would learn that her migraines were the result of a severe allergy to MSG, and all of the many derivatives of it, not ME. If only "they" would REMEMBER how they blamed me and shamed me for what I had caused my mother to endure. I was the scapegoat, and that pattern would continue for decades.
My sister and brothers were also blamed and shamed for various reasons. I was not alone, but I was labeled the rebel and as such endured more. I was never even a "bad" kid! I just bucked my mother's system of enmeshment. For some reason, even as a young child, I wanted to be an individual. That desire rocked my mothers world and I became a rebel in her eyes. It's good for me to recognize this because in the eyes of schools, teachers, friends, etc., I was anything but a rebel. I was a good kid, worked hard and experienced life without difficulties (other than my mother).
Now, here we are... Me, my sister and two brothers, faced with our mothers' health situation and a cancer diagnosis. Now we begin another round of coping together in a new way with elderly parents who still clamour for a life consumed of enmeshment and all its difficulties.
It is now where I am forced to see and deal with the pattern of enmeshment unfolding in my siblings lives. Unfortunately, I find myself being pulled back into it as I desire their approval and wish for their acceptance. But it hurts because their acceptance of me will only be on their terms, based on their view of "family."
I thought I'd broken free of this! I have made my way in life, alone, without "them." It is much healthier and I thank God for that choice. Why do I find myself being sucked back in? I hate it! I want out! I will stand firm.
It must be that enmeshment is a way of life, and as I entered their lives again on a more personal level I felt like I was being sucked back in to their way of thinking. Subtle things produced memories for me, I felt drawn in... Having strength to back away and say "NO" is what it must be like for an alcoholic to say "no" to a drink when weakened and desiring for a numbness that only the drug can bring. My "family" cannot be my drug of choice.
It really hurts me to see my siblings living this life of enmeshment. They are unbelievably enmeshed with their children, and the pain this brings me is immeasureable. Not only that, but the pain that comes from their non acceptance of me really wreaks havoc on my heart. I want their acceptance! Isn't that outrageously stupid!? I want their acceptance and love despite the enmeshment, and I cannot have both. I must work to keep things in perspective and not desire something that impossible to attain.
Enmeshment destroys families. It is destructive and painful to endure. It is a selfish choice, relies on low self esteem and control. It is sick and abusive. It prevents children from becoming individuals. It puts a hold on children, forcing them to conform to a way of life that is neither healthy nor productive. Escaping enmeshment is horrific for those who desire to attain individuality. It becomes increasingly more difficult once patterns are established to even see the enmeshment. It's as if you have put an entire extended multi-generational family into a fishing net and pulled it out of the water. No one knows where they begin or end. They are all floundering around pushing into each other. No one can ever have boundaries, there is a free-for-all in giving and taking what is needed. Pushing, hitting, kicking, biting, clawing your way to move forward in life and you can't get anywhere because you are consumed by the net full of people whose only desires are the same, to push, hit, kick, bite, and claw their way to the top. It is sick, and NOT for this girl. I will remain strong and steadfast, and I will NOT return to this net full of war-raging people.
Blessings to you.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
My Desire to Become an Individual
At fifty one years of age, realizing my family was enmeshed around the age of 30, I'd like to think I'd be further along on my journey toward escaping enmeshment.
I have grown very aware of how "the family" can suck me in. I have avoided time spent with them, kept apart, separated, if you will, and yet STILL I can get sucked back in to their ways. It usually happens when someone wants me as an ally. Alliances are very strong in enmeshed families. There is safety in numbers.
I've never written about my experiences. It's time for me to let it out, and I welcome those dealing with enmeshed families to join me.
If you do a google search on "enmeshed families" you are going to find something along these lines:
There are not a lot of good sites on enmeshment. Most are for psychologists or the like. The reason for this blog... Not to just define enmeshment, but to really understand it in order to encourage healing.
From what I've read, "getting out" of an enmeshed family and finding healing is nearly impossible. Shedding the skin of enmeshment that surrounds us requires a scouring pad, and it is certainly the only time I've considered a desire to be snake like.
Enmeshment is debilitating. It produces shame. Enmeshment produces anger toward those "in the family" when they try to become individuals. Enmeshment produces "scapegoating." The enmeshed family often selects one or two individuals who have opted out of their "system" to blame, targeting them as in a "scapegoat" method. Enmeshment is about lies. It relies upon constant talking about others in the family circle. People within the group make judgements about others that are out of place and untrue in order to build their bond. Enmeshment is a very sick, very hurtful system. Escape is not easy. It is possible.
I have grown very aware of how "the family" can suck me in. I have avoided time spent with them, kept apart, separated, if you will, and yet STILL I can get sucked back in to their ways. It usually happens when someone wants me as an ally. Alliances are very strong in enmeshed families. There is safety in numbers.
I've never written about my experiences. It's time for me to let it out, and I welcome those dealing with enmeshed families to join me.
If you do a google search on "enmeshed families" you are going to find something along these lines:
The Enmeshed Family
This is the family with fuzzy, haphazard, or permeable boundaries. It is the symbiotic family where it is never clear where one person begins and the other ends. It is the family where one borrows clothes from another without permission, for there is the running assumption that what belongs to one belongs to all, and that "If I want it", then my child, or parent or sibling would want to give it to me.
In the enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system, like siamese twins. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The child who is happy when his mother is happy and sad when mother is depressed is enmeshed. The child who is made privy to all the struggles of the parents and invited into them, often made responsible for them and asked to comfort or give advice to his parents is in the enmeshed family. The child who is relied upon as being "father's little helper" or "mama's strong little man" to the point where he begins to define himself as essential to his parents for their happiness is in the enmeshed family.
Enmeshment greatly handicaps one's sense of individual identity, and consequently the sense of individual effectiveness and responsibility. If one is not "separate", how can one make a real decision about her place in the family, and, by extension, in the world. Also, enmeshment is very hard to see if one is in it, for the net becomes a part of the self. One shares in the family shame, the family's inability to be strong in the world, the family's inferiority feelings, simply because one belongs to the family, not specifically because of anything one has done. The enmeshed family has made the choice to attempt to cope with its frailty and shame by fusing with one another in an effort to find strength in numbers, and in emotion-based reciprocal justifications, blame-makings and affirmations. Unfortunately, this results in the loss of a sense of personal power. Shame shared is still shame.
I will gladly credit whomever's work this is, but I have not found authorship to it within several sites in which it is found.
I will gladly credit whomever's work this is, but I have not found authorship to it within several sites in which it is found.
There are not a lot of good sites on enmeshment. Most are for psychologists or the like. The reason for this blog... Not to just define enmeshment, but to really understand it in order to encourage healing.
From what I've read, "getting out" of an enmeshed family and finding healing is nearly impossible. Shedding the skin of enmeshment that surrounds us requires a scouring pad, and it is certainly the only time I've considered a desire to be snake like.
Enmeshment is debilitating. It produces shame. Enmeshment produces anger toward those "in the family" when they try to become individuals. Enmeshment produces "scapegoating." The enmeshed family often selects one or two individuals who have opted out of their "system" to blame, targeting them as in a "scapegoat" method. Enmeshment is about lies. It relies upon constant talking about others in the family circle. People within the group make judgements about others that are out of place and untrue in order to build their bond. Enmeshment is a very sick, very hurtful system. Escape is not easy. It is possible.
As I said earlier, I've been on the road to recovery for 20+ years. It may be a recovery in which I will deal with throughout my lifetime. Therein I refer to it as my "journey." Please join me on the journey. It is incredibly worthwhile to discover freedom as an individual.
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