I have grown very aware of how "the family" can suck me in. I have avoided time spent with them, kept apart, separated, if you will, and yet STILL I can get sucked back in to their ways. It usually happens when someone wants me as an ally. Alliances are very strong in enmeshed families. There is safety in numbers.
I've never written about my experiences. It's time for me to let it out, and I welcome those dealing with enmeshed families to join me.
If you do a google search on "enmeshed families" you are going to find something along these lines:
The Enmeshed Family
This is the family with fuzzy, haphazard, or permeable boundaries. It is the symbiotic family where it is never clear where one person begins and the other ends. It is the family where one borrows clothes from another without permission, for there is the running assumption that what belongs to one belongs to all, and that "If I want it", then my child, or parent or sibling would want to give it to me.
In the enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system, like siamese twins. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The child who is happy when his mother is happy and sad when mother is depressed is enmeshed. The child who is made privy to all the struggles of the parents and invited into them, often made responsible for them and asked to comfort or give advice to his parents is in the enmeshed family. The child who is relied upon as being "father's little helper" or "mama's strong little man" to the point where he begins to define himself as essential to his parents for their happiness is in the enmeshed family.
Enmeshment greatly handicaps one's sense of individual identity, and consequently the sense of individual effectiveness and responsibility. If one is not "separate", how can one make a real decision about her place in the family, and, by extension, in the world. Also, enmeshment is very hard to see if one is in it, for the net becomes a part of the self. One shares in the family shame, the family's inability to be strong in the world, the family's inferiority feelings, simply because one belongs to the family, not specifically because of anything one has done. The enmeshed family has made the choice to attempt to cope with its frailty and shame by fusing with one another in an effort to find strength in numbers, and in emotion-based reciprocal justifications, blame-makings and affirmations. Unfortunately, this results in the loss of a sense of personal power. Shame shared is still shame.
I will gladly credit whomever's work this is, but I have not found authorship to it within several sites in which it is found.
I will gladly credit whomever's work this is, but I have not found authorship to it within several sites in which it is found.
There are not a lot of good sites on enmeshment. Most are for psychologists or the like. The reason for this blog... Not to just define enmeshment, but to really understand it in order to encourage healing.
From what I've read, "getting out" of an enmeshed family and finding healing is nearly impossible. Shedding the skin of enmeshment that surrounds us requires a scouring pad, and it is certainly the only time I've considered a desire to be snake like.
Enmeshment is debilitating. It produces shame. Enmeshment produces anger toward those "in the family" when they try to become individuals. Enmeshment produces "scapegoating." The enmeshed family often selects one or two individuals who have opted out of their "system" to blame, targeting them as in a "scapegoat" method. Enmeshment is about lies. It relies upon constant talking about others in the family circle. People within the group make judgements about others that are out of place and untrue in order to build their bond. Enmeshment is a very sick, very hurtful system. Escape is not easy. It is possible.
As I said earlier, I've been on the road to recovery for 20+ years. It may be a recovery in which I will deal with throughout my lifetime. Therein I refer to it as my "journey." Please join me on the journey. It is incredibly worthwhile to discover freedom as an individual.
closest I have lived to home in my adult life was 70 miles and that was close enough to get sucked in... and still 700 miles away I either find I am too close and doing too much and my sisters resent it, or I live too far away and don't care enough to get involved or care about their petty struggles and strife with each other.... and baby sister who was favored coddled as a child because of her treachers collins syndrome still lives in the same town... and complains about them.... my answer is always .......... then move .... being the oldest sibbling stinks somehow..... wonder to have been the middle of the pack in a large family what that would have been like??? thanks for this journey just have a knife or siccors handy at all times in case we need to "cut net". you know like a trapped dolphin in a fishing net????? that's you right? strong beautiful graceful creature???? D
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI have stumbled upon your website on enmeshment and am grateful that you've put this up. I would love to speak with you more in private if possible.
I have recently moved back to my family of origin's home. I feel terrible about it and my self-esteem has plummeted. Enmeshment is so strong and I definitely want out. Sometimes the denial of my feelings/reality is so strong and I wonder why I'm always wound up at night.
Please message me back. I will check on here soon.
Thanks.
Thank you for writing. I am so very sorry for my late response. I went on a little vacation and have been busy with all six of my children at home.
DeleteI would love to talk with you more. You may write to me at gingerbreadlatte2002@yahoo.com. This is my personal email, and it will be easier for me to see your letter there than on this site. I will respond as quickly as possible.
I understand how you must be feeling low, and I am sorry that your self esteem is plummeting. Self care is so important for you right now.
Please know that by understanding that you are enmeshed, you have taken a gigantic step toward recovery. Most enmeshed people do not ever "get it" and do not ever get out. It continues on through the generations. By embarking on a journey to escape it, you are doing the best thing you could do for yourself.
I appreciate your comment and look forward to hearing back from you personally.
Carol
Come on. I have only 1 life. N i wont darn give it away to every dick tom n harry.
ReplyDeleteI dont know if it is enmeshment,but I feel small, stifled, in a fog and emotionally drained after any visit, large or small with my FOO. Depression can set in if I dont allow myself recovery time immediately. Does it say something that I feel like I need to go on a yoga retreat after interacting with my family?!
ReplyDeleteI married in to an enmeshed family as well, and my husband and I have not seen or spoken to them in 4+ years. It just sort of fell apart. It wasnt a planned NC, but it was building for many years. The thing that scares me is that he would still be in it if I hadnt saught therapy first ( 6 years ago) .....and the result is he is still closed off, just avoiding them.
Thanks for this blog. I look forward to reading your posts.
Your post touched a nerve for me. In my 60's and finally finding my own way and keeping some boundaries in an enmeshed family.
ReplyDeleteCircumstances placed me in a crisis where I needed family support and understanding. I found myself alone in my home city after returning from living overseas, I was grieving also at the time, had nowhere to live and no job. I knew I would solve my housing problems and find a job quickly, I always have. But I needed some comfort and kindness.
My family turned their backs and slammed the door, leaving me to deal with all my dark feelings and sense of loneliness. After 2 years of surviving on my own, I learned I do not need family and I became a much stronger person.
However, once I got on my feet again, my family came out of the woodwork, wanting, wanting, wanting.....my support for their problems, money, to engage in triangulation and hate.
Interesting I thought, they want family when they're in need and actually feel totally entitled to request very large sums of money (despite having plenty of their own)felt entitled to ask me to travel long distances at the end of a day's work, to comfort them when they had problems, but they wouldn't accept a phone call to talk, in order to save me a long journey.
My refusal ended in emotional blackmail, sulking, guilt tripping. My response, I'm sorry you feel that way.
I had detached from feeling it was 'my responsibility' to solve their problems through dealing with a deep crisis all on my own.
I had no choice but to cut all contact with one sister who is very aggressive and skillful at triangulation. I limit contact with the other 2 and have trained them not to try and engage me in hateful talk about the other siblings. One of them gets very angry with me for that, and tries to change my view by calling me weak, but it doesn't work, I'm not weak, being hateful makes me weak.
I maintain regular contact with one sibling, a very angry woman who has no insight into her own behaviour at all, but I have a fondness for her, however, I will not allow her to bully me or try to bait me into triangulation or hatred. This I believe is the result of having to stand alone with multiple problems and deal with them alone. Of course I would have liked some support and would still welcome it when needed, but that experience, taught me, I am strong, I can't count on my family and that's OK and I do not have to support them if it creates difficulty for me.
I know that I still have some enmeshment issues, because I worry and become supsicious and fearful if I don't hear from the sibling I have regular contact with, but I'm working on that, hence my visit to this site.
I learned my family was enmeshed through my therapist. Talk about opening a can of worms! Now that the 'light' has been shown on my family situation, I feel like I'm suffocating. My mother-in-law was widowed 17 yrs ago, moved with us for a couple of years, until my husband & I separated briefly. She remarried 3 yrs later, marriage lasted 5 yrs, then bam - she moves in with us. That was 10 yrs ago. It was ok for a while when she worked full-time, but she's semi-retired now and won't leave me alone. She depends on me for the simplest things (like responding to a jury questionnaire??) and I find myself running from her most days and hiding in my bedroom. She's very nice, but is involved in EVERY SINGLE detail of my husband's & children's lives. I'm beginning to get angry when I think about all the years I've had to 'share' MY family with her. 99% of our family vacations have included her. I want to end this, but it would require a huge upset in the family. She could support herself with her SS & p/t income, but instead she chooses to treat her twin daughters & grandkids to the movies, out to eat, etc. Then my husband & I are left supporting it. She pays a ridiculous amt of rent, and we pay for her cell phone (iPhone). Uggghhhh....don't know how to get out from under the suffocation without becoming the ungrateful uncaring low human being that I'll undoubtedly be called.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! I am 44 and just understanding the problem....HEART FELT Thanks for sharing and for being brave to find your authentic self. You are an inspiration and a part of my authenication process.....I wish you peace and inner love to nurture YOU.
ReplyDeleteYes. I believe I come from a family like this. I was always "different" and an artist which actually helped me in the long run. I realized things weren't quite right because I was constantly getting sick when I was with my family and would become horribly tired and worn down and once I actually fainted. I know what people mean when they say they feel like they are in a FOG. It would subside once I left the group after awhile and I always thought now that is really strange! Sometimes I would feel icky being around certain individuals and would hear their comments to me and realized that this was not a healthy family. I knew this was wrong because I always was a good kid and was still made to feel like I was a criminal and was watched and scrutinized and I knew I was good and something was weird but I couldn't figure out what it was until I was a bit older. I became a teacher and learned a lot about psychology and was horrified to relate to some of what I was reading in my textbooks. OMG, that is me. Then it all became clear when I was with an old boyfriend and we watched The Virgin Suicides. What a horrible movie, my parents weren't as extreme but I saw many similarities and thought I need to take care of myself now because that is all I have. I made a promise to myself that I would love myself and pursue my dreams no matter what. I finally did get out but they really tried to keep me living at home and rejected giving me funding for grad school to become a school psychologist. So I found an admin job and paid for graphic design classes. My therapist taught me to find new role models or to write down good qualities that your ideal parents would have and then give those things to yourself that they couldn't give you. The only choice is to live and treat yourself well because you deserve that. I'm still unemployed at the moment and have a hard time finding work as I developed severe anxiety but at least I don't have to live under their thumb any longer.
ReplyDelete