Enmeshment HURTS

As much as I don't want this to be true, at times I find myself holding on to some enmeshment aspects within my family.  I think the primary way this is true is that I still care what they think about me.  If I was truly healed I don't think I would care what they thought.  Actually, I seem to care more about what my mother thinks.  My sister and brothers... well, not so much.  But Mom and Dad, yes, I care.

I wish it didn't matter to me.  I know that they haven't given any care to my thoughts.  I have always wanted to please them, perhaps that's why.  Now, I am struggling with their thoughts of me verses my desire to stay away and not have involvement with anyone in the desert brigade.  I love my parents.  I do not love what they have done to me.

I feel abandoned.  They are with the children they have chosen to be with, the children whom have chosen to be with them.  I am the lone holdout.  I will remain independent of them.  Their lives are coming to a close due to health issues and I am not even tempted to run to them, yet I feel such sadness.  Perhaps it is because once they are gone, it's permanent.  I won't ever be able to consider it an option.  Once they are gone, I go on alone with no hope for ever having a healthy relationship with either of them.  It makes me sad.  I just cannot accept their conditions on my life, so I know how it will end.

The two primarily enmeshed children nearest them will continue to make decisions for our parents until their lives run out.  During that time they will enjoy the only thing they know, lives full of manipulation, secrets, favoritism, denial, and betrayal.  These are aspects they have grown to accept and appreciate as part of being a family.  I doubt they have ever considered how prevalent these issues are in their lives.  These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family.

Manipulation:  My sister literally swooped in one day and moved my parents to her house.  She grabbed the opportunity and did it without even asking them if it would be alright.  She manipulated the situation into what she wanted but was too afraid to speak about the night before at a "family" meeting without the parents.  Amazing that anyone could be so selfish, caught up in what she wanted, and grasp at their weakest moments what she desired. 

Secrets:  There are too many secrets to count!  Everyone is in a constant state of talking behind anothers back and promising to keep the secrets from the others.  It's unbelievable how many conversations are clandestined, between siblings, between a sibling and a parent, between parent and sibling.  The secrets will  never end, always be hurtful, and usually unfounded gossip that when left unchecked and the issue "gets out," wreaks havoc on the person to whom it was concerned.  No one within the family unit will ever accept responsibility for it, either.  It has become an accepted form of communication.

Favoritism:  There will always be a favorite child.  It will be the child most enmeshed with the leader, Mom.  My brother and sister fight for this top position almost constantly.  Perhaps this is why my sister moved my parents in with her, to assume the Top Dog position.  She had best be careful, my brother will constantly be lurking for an opportunity to snake his way in and become the favorite.  He will use any opportunity to turn my mother on my sister.  He most likely will use her own family against her to target and show Mom that the sister doesn't have it together.  I am waiting and watching with certainty that this will be his direction.

Denial:  A problem in the family?  NEVER!  It's all about how the family looks to everyone!  The appearance of being the perfect family is critical.  The appearance of cooperation, working together, working for Mom's best interests, are ridiculously expressed to anyone who will listen.  A caring church group, caring friends of Mom's, will all see such loving kindness from the favorites toward Mother. 

Betrayal:  The favorites will turn on the lessers in order to betray their good natured attempts at trying to help.  It is very sad, as Mom needs all the help she can get, but this is very true even though it sounds impossible.  I was betrayed on our recent trip there to help Mom.  I got a little too close to the favorites and both betrayed me in different ways and different circumstances.  The purpose of the betrayals was to remain in good standing with their Mother.  For me, it was incredibly painful.

These are but a few of the qualities of an enmeshed family. 

If you are realizing that you are a part of enmeshment, learn as much as you can about it from a therapist.  You will need strength to leave and strength during the dark hours when you know you are being ridiculed and rejected.  It is worth it, though.  You don't want to pass on these dynamics to future generations.