My Family is NOT my Drug, By Choice

I get so upset when I somehow get sucked in to my enmeshed family.  That happened to me over the last few weeks after my mom, our fearless leader of enmeshment, was diagnosed with cancer.  Since that diagnosis it has sent her four children flying in a variety of directions.  Me included.

Since 1995 I have lived several states away from the rest of the pack.  I chose the beauty of Colorado to live and raise my children rather than follow them into the desert.  Here I have remained, steadfast in my desire not to be a part of their enmeshed lives. 

For many years prior, and probably through my lifetime, I was the scapegoat.  If ever there was a problem, it was my fault.  It especially became pronounced when my mother began having debilitating headaches (migraines) when I was around the age of 12.  I was the constant source of blame for those headaches.  I upset her, I was too much for her, I was unwilling to grant her authority over my life.  Many years later we would learn that her migraines were the result of a severe allergy to MSG, and all of the many derivatives of it, not ME.  If only "they" would REMEMBER how they blamed me and shamed me for what I had caused my mother to endure.  I was the scapegoat, and that pattern would continue for decades.

My sister and brothers were also blamed and shamed for various reasons.  I was not alone, but I was labeled the rebel and as such endured more.  I was never even a "bad" kid!  I just bucked my mother's system of enmeshment.  For some reason, even as a young child, I wanted to be an individual.  That desire rocked my mothers world and I became a rebel in her eyes.  It's good for me to recognize this because in the eyes of schools, teachers, friends, etc., I was anything but a rebel.  I was a good kid, worked hard and experienced life without difficulties (other than my mother).

Now, here we are... Me, my sister and two brothers, faced with our mothers' health situation and a cancer diagnosis.  Now we begin another round of coping together in a new way with elderly parents who still clamour for a life consumed of enmeshment and all its difficulties.

It is now where I am forced to see and deal with the pattern of enmeshment unfolding in my siblings lives.   Unfortunately, I find myself being pulled back into it as I desire their approval and wish for their acceptance.  But it hurts because their acceptance of me will only be on their terms, based on their view of "family."

I thought I'd broken free of this!  I have made my way in life, alone, without "them."  It is much healthier and I thank God for that choice.  Why do I find myself being sucked back in?  I hate it!  I want out!  I will stand firm. 

It must be that enmeshment is a way of life, and as I entered their lives again on a more personal level I felt like I was being sucked back in to their way of thinking.  Subtle things produced memories for me, I felt drawn in...  Having strength to back away and say "NO" is what it must be like for an alcoholic to say "no" to a drink when weakened and desiring for a numbness that only the drug can bring.  My "family" cannot be my drug of choice.

It really hurts me to see my siblings living this life of enmeshment.  They are unbelievably enmeshed with their children, and the pain this brings me is immeasureable.  Not only that, but the pain that comes from their non acceptance of me really wreaks havoc on my heart.  I want their acceptance!  Isn't that outrageously stupid!?  I want their acceptance and love despite the enmeshment, and I cannot have both.  I must work to keep things in perspective and not desire something that impossible to attain. 

Enmeshment destroys families.  It is destructive and painful to endure.  It is a selfish choice, relies on low self esteem and control.  It is sick and abusive.  It prevents children from becoming individuals.  It puts a hold on children, forcing them to conform to a way of life that is neither healthy nor productive.  Escaping enmeshment is horrific for those who desire to attain individuality.  It becomes increasingly more difficult once patterns are established to even see the enmeshment.  It's as if you have put an entire extended multi-generational family into a fishing net and pulled it out of the water.  No one knows where they begin or end.  They are all floundering around pushing into each other.  No one can ever have boundaries, there is a free-for-all in giving and taking what is needed.  Pushing, hitting, kicking, biting, clawing your way to move forward in life and you can't get anywhere because you are consumed by the net full of people whose only desires are the same, to push, hit, kick, bite, and claw their way to the top.  It is sick, and NOT for this girl.  I will remain strong and steadfast, and I will NOT return to this net full of war-raging people.

Blessings to you.