Over the years I have had to "escape" from my enmeshed family several times. By "escape" I mean that I had to take a big time out from them. Sometimes it was a period of weeks, sometimes months or years. I needed to do this for many reasons. One of them was to find healing.
For me, I found that trying to heal within the dynamics of enmeshment was impossible. I tried, but was always sucked back in. Many times the outcome of being sucked back in was worse than before I tried to heal. So eventually I was able to muster enough strength to walk away. It was very, very difficult to do this. Sometimes I can't even believe I was actually able to accomplish it. The first time I left was for the longest period of time. I needed to break away, I needed to heal in a desperate sort of way.
TIME is a four letter word. I hate that word. At the same time I embrace it. It brings new hope and allows for healing in a way that no other word can.
The first breaking away from my family was back in the late 80's, early 90's. It was for about a year or two, don't even remember now. What it did for me was allow me to realize that my family was enmeshed and there was nothing I could do to help them see it. I was always their scapegoat, so it was nice for me to leave their unit and wait for them to find a different person to become their scapegoat. I am not sure whatever happened there. I do not think it was enough time or distance away for them to really establish a different scapegoat. It did give me time to see what was going on so I could slowly get acquainted with them without getting involved in their games.
During that time I also found a good counselor who was able to help me see things more clearly. I remember how surprised she was that I was able to actually discover I was enmeshed and desire to break free. Apparently that does not happen very often, and I am grateful that God gave me the strength I needed to do what I needed to do. I liken this time to leaving a cult.
To this day I am on a constant "alert status" as to my involvement with my family. I can get sucked in so easily. Sometimes I am strong, sometimes I fail and have to find my way out again. But now it doesn't take years. It is also much easier to see the enmeshment styles of each person, their techniques and styles in trying to suck me back in are amazing. Again, it has taken time for me to get to this point.
Over the last two weeks I had taken a time out from them. I had gone to visit and was absolutely sickened by their behavior that by the time I got home I needed to take a total break from all of them. Their behavior is absolutely atrocious. Yesterday I felt like it was time to call my folks to say hello. The conversation went well, and later in the evening my sister called. Again, the conversation was good. The point is that I called when I was ready. I initiated contact when I was strong enough to deal with them. It sounds selfish, but it is survival.
All is not well between my immediate family here in colorful Colorado and the enmeshed family in the Arizona desert. I realize it never will be well. It does hurt. It does break my heart at times. And although I have tried for twenty some odd years, I still find myself, at times, caring about what they think of me. It's a struggle. I recognize it will be a life struggle for me. The best thing I can do right now is talk with my children about becoming the individuals that they are. I want them to know that it is my goal as Mom to see them grow up to become healthy individuals within the family unit. I want to break the cycle of abuse. Enmeshment is the result of an abuse of power, it is okay for me to define it as so.
Blessings to you.
I think I understand why God blessed you with a large local family....so you can stand not alone, but stand apart! There is absolutely no chance that your earth angels will ever feel anything but equally loved by you Super mom Super Carol..... don't you think their fore-heads tingle with thoughts of your loving kisses?
ReplyDeleteyour family has always stood tall and held each other close loving each other strongly and defending each other fiercely.... I think you have suceeded don't you? D
Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteYour words are a blessing to me. I love what you said, "..so you can stand not alone,, but stand apart!" WOW! That is wonderful and so good for my ears to hear!
You are right. My children know they are loved as they are, as individual people, each on a separate but wonderful path in life. I will love them wherever they are at, whatever they do, whatever path they choose in life.
I do not ever want them to face enmeshment in their lives. It is too painful, and too difficult to escape.
Thank you for your words have blessed me emmensely.
You post was as though I had written it myself. For the second time in over a year I have had to walk away from my family of origin and they're sick dysfunction. I have so much more peace when they are out of my life. I just recently learned that it is enmeshment although I am quite aware of the damage from growing up in an alcoholic home.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I appreciate your post and it is even more ironic because I live in Arizona and my family is in Colorado. Coincidence? I feel like you were speaking through me.
Thank you again and I would love to hear where your relationship has gone. I did hear from a attachment trauma counselor who deals with hundreds of patients with similar situations say that it is not possible to have a relationship with sick parents and just accept them how they are. There is a certain connection that keeps us from being able to fully detach and no longer experience the pain of their dysfunction.
Best if luck on your healing journey. I always like the same thing, if you remove the DNA connection would you have these people in your life. My answer is no.