I'm sad because I'm losing something I've never had.

If you are someone looking to escape enmeshment, I applaud you,  It will be very rewarding to become yourself.  Individuality is fabulous!  But you've undoubtedly learned that enmeshment qualities can take hold of your life and have allowed them to define you.  It will take time to get over that.  It will take diligence to learn to become yourself and not care about what others think of you, especially your enmeshed family members. 

I'm feeling very sad and lonely today as I realize that I have not gotten as far as I would have thought.  My journey began in the late 80's and I am still struggling.  Don't let that frighten you, my personality is undoubtedly different than yours.  I had thought I was over so much, but I'm finding myself depressed and overcome with loss, even though that loss occurred many, many years ago.

Perhaps this post will just remind you that it is a lifelong process to escape enmeshment.  Perhaps it means that it is ok to give in once in a while to a bit of a pity party.  Whatever it is, I hope that you understand that life is, indeed, a journey. 

I may be overly sad because I realize that I am facing the end of life with my mom and dad.  They will never understand anything but enmeshment.  Perhaps that is what I am so sad about.  My dream of having them understand me for who I am is gone.  My hope for having a relationship based on individuality will never be.  Finally, I believe I have stumbled upon the reason for my sadness.  I know I will miss my parents when they pass on, but what I will miss most is my hope that they would be able to see me and understand me for who I am.

I've lost my hope for them, for what could have been, for what never was.  It's so sad for me.  That's why I am hurting right now.  Thank God I am writing, I don't think I would have figured it out, otherwise.