Favoritism, One of Enmeshments Favorite Qualities

I hate the thought of favoritism.  It is lethal to families and relationships.  It is often a factor in an enmeshed family.

My mother most definately has favorite children.  It was obvious at a younger age, I knew full well that my mom's favorite children were my sister and at various times one of my brothers (twins, her favorite one switched every once in a while).  These children, especially my sister, had no difficulty allowing her to favor them.  As a matter of fact, they thrived on her favoritism.  They swallowed it up and loved it, but when younger, I'm not sure they were always aware that they were the favorite children.

As adults, it is very clear who are the favorites.  My sister and my youngest brother are on her pedestal. 

I admit, I always wanted to be there.  Always.  I thought I'd "have it all" if I could finally rise to the top and be her favored child.  I'd dream of it.  I'd think of it, wishing that I could have that position even for a few brief moments.  Now that I consider this, it is no wonder that it hurt so much.  I was the oldest child, it didn't make sense that I would not be favored.

Thanks to God that I never was that favorite child.  It probably helped to save me from enmeshment.  It probably was a factor in my desire to escape and rise to life "stardom" on my own volition, not on my mother's shirttales.

My sister, one of mom's favorites, is severely enmeshed with my mother.  At this point in time my sister is sickly in love with my mother and is dependent on her for everything.  She literally does not know where she starts and my mom leaves off.  Her life is centered around the care of mother.  She is in constant need for approval and appreciation of all she contributes to mothers world.  There is coming a day in the not too distant future where my mother will pass away from the cancer she has.  My sister will be incomplete and mourn not only for the loss of Mom but for the loss of herself.  I wish my sister wasn't like this, but she has chosen this path and there is nothing I can do.  My sister likes her life this way.  She seeks security from the enmeshment. 

My brother, also one of mom's favorites, is also severely enmeshed with my mother.  He caters to her and swoons for her, runs at her beckon call to help.  He does not want to be displaced from his "top dog" position.  He is admittedly proud of the fact that he can get her to do whatever he wants her to do.  He can sweet talk her into anything.  I cannot recall an instance when he was in trouble with her.  Even his wife takes second seat to my mother.  I can't imagine how they have managed to stay married through these years.  It's not a good marriage, it's full of turmoil, and yelling and screaming.  But it's lasted about twenty years now.  My mother has and will turn on his wife in an instant when the need arises.  More on that, later.

What a horrible way to grow up, always knowing that my mother had favorites and I was not one of them.  It hurt.  It hurt deeply.  All I could do was persevere.  But what I did was kept trying to rise to the top.  I know I never stopped trying to become her favorite.  And it still hurts, but not as much.  I have awareness of the problem and long ago gave up the quest.

Something about favoritism with my mother bothers me.  I remember her telling me several times in my younger years that her mother, my grandmother, always favored her sister.  Interesting... this rotten problem of enmeshment reaches down through the generations and creates problems in the lives of so many.  It's like a disease that is carried in the family genes.

You would think that someone who was hurt by something so awful as favoritism would never repeat that behavior on her own children, but she has.  She knows of no other way.  It is learned behavior, and survival includes "forgetting" the details.  People who are enmeshed do not know that they are, or they live in a state of denial.

Blessings to you.